LL woke me up last night to tell me Trump won the presidency. (OMFG RIGHT!) I’d like to say I went back to sleep, I’d like to say that my sleep was sound and peaceful. It wasn’t. My first thought, “What am I goin going to say to my sons? How am I going to explain this? Will they even be okay? Will I be okay? My husband is going to go to town on these fools. Is Canada taking applications for new residents? It’s like a three month period before you get healthcare right? Then I thought, no, Canada is too cold, maybe I should pack up and take my family to Costa Rica. Somehwere South, and warm.
Seriously, no joke. Those were my thoughts. I don’t know if what I’m writing even makes half the sense I think it does as I type it. I’ve had all day to mull this over, and I keep coming back to the same question. What does it mean to be ME in America?
But as the day went on, I started thinking what does it mean to everyone? It’s going to be different for all of us, as we’re not the same. But I’m going to try and put to words, what has and is still flowing through my mind. (This may not be an easy journey to follow for many reasons.) But I’m going to give it a shot anyway.
A co-worker said to me this morning. “I couldn’t sleep. I’m here early, because I’m afraid of what it means to be a black man.” (Now I can’t say whether or not he was serious or not about that last part, but I totally know he wasn’t joking about the sleep part.)
As the morning progressed more people started to come in and one said, “I was up all night watching the news. He didn’t get my vote, but I’m glad he won. He’s going to make it so us old people are going to survive.”
A friend sent me a snap chat saying, “Worst day ever. Was hoping I was having a nightmare last night.” My response was, “Nope we are officialling living it.”
“I’m already sufferring from buyers remorse, and I didn’t even vote for him, can I get my money back.” My good writer friend Paige Prince said that, and my response to her was, “Nope, we can’t get our receipts back. So sad!”
Now when I said that I was emotional, and full of so many feelings, none of them were good. (I even posted that as a status on my FB Wall.) I started writing down things that for me, said, what does it mean to be me, like really be me.
So here goes nothing…
Most people automatically slap a label on me. Assign me to a color scheme I did not choose. (I don’t like labels, I don’t associate myself with them, and not becuase I’m not proud of my heritage. It is for that reason, that I don’t like labels. My ancestors stem from many things, have lots of traditions, and helped shaped/and or create some of our greatest accomplishments. But should never be defined by their *suposed* color of their skin.)
The question I get every time I apply to a job. That darn questionare that’s more about control (in my opinon) that’s placed in front of me.
- Hispanic or Latino
- Not Hispanic or Latino
- Choose not to Identify
- Race: (If not hispanic or Latino Select One)
- Black or African American
- Native Hawiian or other Pacific islander
- American Indian or Alaskan Native
- Two or more races
- Choose not to identify
**Taken from Wiki**
Black people (seen both capitalized and with lowercase “b”) is a term used in certain countries, often in socially based systems of racial classification or of ethnicity, to describe persons who are perceived to be dark-skinnedcompared to other given populations. As such, the meaning of the expression varies widely both between and within societies, and depends significantly on context. For many other individuals, communities and countries, “black” is also perceived as a derogatory, outdated, reductive or otherwise unrepresentative label, and as a result is neither used nor defined.
Different societies apply differing criteria regarding who is classified as “black”, and these social constructs have also changed over time. In a number of countries, societal variables affect classification as much as skin color, and the social criteria for “blackness” vary. For example, in North America the term black people is not necessarily an indicator of skin color or ethnic origin, but is instead a socially based racial classification related to being African American, with a family history associated with institutionalized slavery. In South Africa and Latin America, mixed-race people are generally not classified as “black”. In other regions such as Australasia, settlers applied the term “black” or it was used by local populations with different histories and ancestral backgrounds.
I know that went a little over the top for some, but I just wanted to make it clear on where I stand in the thick of it.
I’m a double minority, or is it multi-minority? A minority of a minority. <——-There are entire theories on this… But anyway let me try and pull back to what it was I was trying to say.
I’m a double minority, and as such my worth is questioned. My Values are critiizced. My views or oppinons are considered NOT IMPORTANT or Fall on DEAF Ears. I’m constantly questioned in my day to day life, (work place) I work hard, but I’m paid less. I’m always made to show proof of my actions or almost always questioned. I will get, “Show me where it says that, or give me proof. I want the link/source where it came from.” As if my word is not good enough. (This happened a lot in the past, not so much now, but its still there, ever present in contact with others).
Constantly being told what I can’t have, but should just accept. Becuae that’s all there ever will be for me.
Pulled over for a “routine” traffic check and having my car searched. <—I believe there are those out there that think there should now be random Stop and Search.
Told I can’t walk within a group of more than three becuase it will make other’s uncomfortable. <—I was only walking wtih friends talking and chatting about normal things.
“You look like a gang member, or, you had to have done drugs, doesn’t everybody like you at least smoke out?” <—-Excuse me what? Everybody like me? (Just because I dress a certain way paints me in a certain light? Or how about the music I listen to, or ways I chose to express myself. So what if I do smoke? What does that have to do with anything? How does that make me less of a person?
“You’re the whitest black girl I know.” <—–WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Is it because I can articulate? What, Only white people can speak that way? (This was said to me in 2016! 2016! FOR REAL) *side note* I wanted to say, you haven’t met the Hood version of me yet, but that would have just been crass.
“Keep to your own kind.” <—-What is my kind exactly?
“You’ll never be able to acieve your dreams, just join the miiltary.” <—- Yeah, no!
This is just some of the things that have been said or done to me over the years. I could point out all the injustices that have been done, not to just me, or my ancestors, but countless others. Due to their race, religon, sex, or sexual orientation, or even disability. (Did I cover them all? If not I’m sorry, but you get my jist right?)
Sexual Abuse, Rape, Physical/Mental Abuse, Dehumanizing remarks, Bullying. <——–I have been a victim to all, and there isn’t enough time to go through it all, but that’s what it means to be ME in America. (And I know I’m not alone in this) —–I’m not the only one these terrible things have happened to. And not just because of my skin color or sex am I saying these things happened to me. But they did happen. End of Story.
But the truth of it is, it’s not who I am. Those things don’t define me, and it’s not all what I had planned for ME.
I AM NOT SORRY.
I AM WORTHY.
I AM LOVED.
I AM A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!
I will achieve everything and more. I am me, not a color, or a statistic. I am a HUMAN BEING, despite all that’s been done or said to or about me.
But what I’m also NOT is SCARED or FEARFUL, I am WEARY, but shall remain HOPEFUL.
I didn’t vote for Trump. He does not speak to me, or for me. He doesn’t represent me. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how, but sooner or later, buyers remorse will set in for some. For those who bought into his “so-called” vision. They may not even admit to it, but it will happen. A light bulb may go off and then you’ll think to yourself, “He isn’t trying to make America great.” ( I can’t say whether or not I agree with the “we’re already” great version either, there is still a lot of work to do in my opinion.) **I know some will say (How unpatriotic of her.. THE NERVE) SORRY NOT SORRY! Come walk in my shoes for a while, and you tell me what’s so great?
It’s not about RACISM anymore or Sex, and Religion. Seriously, those things will always be here, will always exist in some form or fashion, becuase there is no cure for ignorance. If there were, we’d have administered a long time ago. (Or would we make you pay top dollar to get the vaccine to cure you of your disease? HMMMMMMM) <——-Fucked I know, but that’s just life.
It’s about Amoral vs. Moral.
Are things gonna change? Maybe? But that change really depends on the PEOPLE, and I truly believe it will be the PEOPLE vs. D. Trump. When they realize his vision, and his true meaning behind his facade. His so called vision for America. There is going to come a moment when PEOPLE will take a stand. Meet thier oppenent on the line (that point of no return) and say–NO!
This from a family member: “I really do think this is going to change our day-to-day life.” My response was, “Well, its possible, but it won’t be Trump, it will be his brainwashed followers who will make our day to day change or become uncomfortable.” <—–I really hope that doesn’t happens, but it might. People’s true feelings are surfacing, and I wish I could say I’m surprised but I’m not. Who wants to be down with someone who admires Hilter? Has his book by his nightstand? (Could that be a lie? maybe) but guess what… Actions speak louder than words. I don’t want someone to represent me, who doesn’t respect me for me. Who looks down at me and sees me as a problem or less than human. Someone who doesn’t respect peoples choice to be pro-choice, or talk down or discriminate against same sex marriages. Love is love people! Someone who thinks you’re a bad person because you’re religion. How far are things gonna go before we take a stand?
*******Back to my thoughts again***********
They will say NO! We will not stand for your Dark Vision, NO! We want a NEW VISION. They won’t accept the backwards nonsense, they will demand to be met with a Future filled with a new vision. <—-I don’t know what it is. But some visionary, a true moral one will have to step forward and shake the foundation that has now been soiled. *Now remember, I said I was weary, and hopeful.* What if none of this happens? And we end up facing another World War? Or worse, the state itself is no longer United, but Truly DIVDED. (It’s already like that.) Sometimes I laugh when people say The UNITED STATES of America, because really are we United?
I don’t know if what I’m even saying makes sense. I’m semi-emotoinal, and sometimes my meaning or intentions get lost in the void. But what it basically boils down to is yesterday was a moment in time that is going to mark some, break others, and so on. I am not going to let this break me. I’m not going to let it mark me, but I am going to watch. I am going to pay attention. I am going to educate myself, and my sons.
I owe it to myself and to them. I am going to process what it means to be me in this country, and pray we don’t fall deeper into the dark hole of greed and bigatry. Hope that this was a fluke and that a man who preyed on the weak and those of the mind that a change was needed will eventually wake up and see the world through my eyes and understand where it is I’m coming from. Not as a double minority, but as a Human Being.
I almost feel like a revolutionary. But it’s way too early in the game for me to take up the mantle and run forth, with my undies strapped down, and my hair pulled back screaming. “WE WILL NOT BOW DOWN” Sorry, not trying to make light, I just happen to have a quirky sense of humor.
I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if my lack of fear is a good or a bad thing. All I can do is not let the madness pull me down and drown me in the crazy. I can’t do it. It’s not in me. I almost want to say peace out peeps, you voted for him, you’re on your own. He’s your problem now, not mine. But that’s just plain wrong. I’m here. I’ll stand with that visionary. I won’t sit around and stay quiet. Our oppenent has effectively pushed me in the corner, and I will push back. I know I’m not the only one either. There are more of us, contrary to what the polls said last night. Our voice can’t and won’t be squashed. Take up your panties, and pull back your hair, and hold on. Don’t let go of your morals, keep your values. Stick to your guns. Use your words, your voice. Don’t go gently, because this battle is only the beginnig.
Are you still here? Did I make sense? If so yay!
**Sidenote** I think everyone is entitled to their own opinon and you can see from above I didn’t go HAM (HARD AS A MUTHAFUCKER) <——I could have but that’s not always the best route to go. You want to debate what I’m saying, feel free, but keep in mind, you get ugly I have no problem getting crazy right back. This is my canvas, my form of speech, you want to dispute, fine, do it, but don’t be ugly about it. I wasn’t.
Tigris Eden aka. Katina Hernandez aka. Ms. Prim.